I was talking to my brother-in-law the other day. He owns his own fitness gym and has seen incredible consistency from his members. Many have trained consistently for years, and specifically, he has seen his members complete 80% of their prescribed training sessions — something unheard of in the fitness world where fad workouts and crash diets have become the norm.
I was asking him how he’s managed to achieve such great results, and he answered simply, “We honor inputs over outcomes.”
Struck by this profound and yet elementary answer, I began to think about how I could apply this principle in my role as a martial arts parent, instructor and practitioner.
Faces of my students began to appear in my mind, some of them highly successful competitors winning rooms full of medals and awards. Many of my students, however, have never competed and most of them probably won’t ever compete.
To be clear, both Easton as a school and I firmly believe in the value of competition, and I believe we should encourage anyone who can compete to do so at least once. So, while I don’t advocate that we abolish competition, I realized recently that more often than I’m proud of, I have given outsized honor to my competitors.
This breaks my heart because I have several students who have never competed yet represet some of the most dedicated, hard-working people I know. They come to class more consistently, listen more intently and are kinder than most of their peers.
Some of these students don’t have the best Jiu Jitsu in the room, but during drills, while others talk, these students practice the technique. They may take more correction on technique than other students, but they take far less correction on their behavior.
[Why Competitors and Hobbyists Must Coexist]
Some of my students simply have no desire to compete. Perhaps they had bad experiences as children with overbearing parents or are dealing with chronic injury that prevents them from rolling at competition intensity.
So, I must ask myself: do I subconsciously favor the students with more medals? I’m not sure, but now that I’m aware of this potential bias, I have a responsibility to address it. How can I ensure I give equal honor to those hard-working students who put so much into Jiu Jitsu?
One of the things I love about Jiu Jitsu is that promotions in rank are not tied to competition. Students who train consistently and progress WILL be promoted in time. However, I don’t think that stripes and belts should be the only recognition students receive for their effort and consistency. As an instructor, I want to make a point to call out those inputs when I see them.
[Easton Open Spring 2024: Competition That Elevates Community]
The power of reframing success
Children, especially those 12 and under, crave praise and recognition from adults and will make big changes in their behavior to get that recognition. If we aren’t careful, we’ll end up training our kids that discipline and hard work don’t matter as much as winning in competition.
Recently, I was coaching one of my youth students at a competition. My student had won several matches that day but was really struggling in this one. He fought hard, but in the end he lost. As he walked over to me, he began to cry. I asked him why he was crying, and it was because he had lost. I asked him if he gave up; he said no. Then I told him how proud I was of him for how hard he fought and how he never gave up.
The transformation on his face was instantaneous. He was almost smiling as he walked away. Now, that kid comes to every class and is soaked with sweat at the end EVERY time. He knows that he’ll be honored for his character — not just for winning medals.
I am not advocating an “everyone is a winner” mentality. This ironically places the emphasis right back on the results of being a winner, while attempting to remove the pressure to win. It also just isn’t realistic. There are winners and losers, and we do our children a disservice if we don’t teach them how to process loss and disappointment in healthy ways.
Over the summer, I had the privilege of coaching at the IBJJF Kids Pan American Championships. I distinctly remember watching a match between some top-ranked seven and eight year-old boys. Their Jiu Jitsu was very good and fun to watch, but only one kid could win.
The kid who lost was the higher ranked of the two, and he took the loss hard. Lots of kids shed a few tears when they lose, but this kid’s self-image had clearly suffered from this loss. It quickly became clear (at least to me) that this little boy had been taught to connect his value as a person to his performance in competition. This is the last thing we should want for our kids.
[How Competing In Martial Arts Benefits Your Kids]
How to honor their input
So how do we make sure we are honoring inputs over outcomes?
As a parent, I commit to celebrating my kids when they demonstrate high quality in their character at least as much as I celebrate them when they win or achieve a result. This might look like telling my kids I’m proud of them for paying attention during mat chat or for really pushing themselves during warm up drills.
This also means giving praise tied to specific actions that demonstrate high qualities of character. General “I’m proud of you” statements are good, but try: “I’m proud of how aggressive and yet patient you were in that match.” Specific feedback makes a much bigger impact.
As an instructor, this could mean me giving high fives to both kids after a hard round, or talking about a kid’s consistency and effort when I award them with a stripe promotion. Another practice I’ve begun includes specifically honoring those kids who don’t compete for showing up to class and being great training partners for those who do.
At the end of the day, if we stay conscious of our bias and intentional about countering it, we can create a more supportive environment for everybody. We can help build people who believe in the value of effort and discipline and know that, win or lose, we’re still proud of them. They have peace of mind knowing it’s what they put into their practice of Jiu Jitsu that counts, not just the medals they take home.
