Editor’s note: Easton Training Center and its leadership place a large emphasis on the power of reading as a necessary part of any growth journey. In addition to our Easton reading list, we’ll be sharing other books which have helped our students and coaches grow, succeed, and improve their relationships with themselves and with others.
In a literal sense, words mean nothing and hold absolutely no physical value. Nobody has ever been “hit” by a word and died or contracted a disease from a rude comment, however, they still carry an immense amount of weight in all societies.
In actuality, however, words can still be damaging depending upon the meaning we attribute to them, or the context in which they’re spoken. We all use words daily — whether it’s face-to-face, via email, in a comment on a social media post or through text message, but we may not often think about how to optimize our use of them.
Nearly every able-bodied human is capable of throwing a punch or grabbing onto somebody in frustration, but that doesn’t guarantee it’s the right thing to do, much less a successful outcome. Additionally, most people never step on the mats to properly train in something like Jiu Jitsu Muay Thai, so they don’t understand how to effectively handle themselves in a physical confrontation.
Obviously, the best solution is to avoid it altogether. However, in the instance that one cannot, it’s better to be prepared.
As for verbal altercations, these occur much more frequently than the physical ones; yet, most of us never “train” or develop a skillset to handle ourselves in such situations. It sounds rather foolish when most issues can be solved cordially via dialogue, but even the select few of us who physically prepare rarely also verbally prepare.
A fantastic tool for learning said skillset is the book Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, by George J. Thompson. Of course, I recommend reading it yourselves, but in case you don’t have the time, we’ve got you you covered.
TLDR: Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion
Written by a former police interrogator, the book Verbal Judo embodies the wisdom of someone who’d nearly done and seen it all when it comes to human interaction. George Thompson developed a unique skillset over the years of combative experiences with potential criminal suspects, ultimately learning the underlying dynamics to what makes people behave or react to the way we speak to them.
I found this book particularly enticing because no matter how adept you may be physically, it means nothing if you can’t communicate with others. Our society is constructed in a way that requests mutual respect for everyone, no matter their physical capabilities or stature — a far cry from most other species where survival of the fittest decides Mother Nature’s course for you.
What’s beautiful about this, is that it allows for those who possess little to no physical prowess to thrive intellectually. (Thus bringing us some of the history’s greatest intellectual and artistic feats ever imagined.) However, to master the art of verbal communication, one must first understand the difference between talking and communication.
Talking at someone is nothing more than spewing empty commands, or perhaps even being unintentionally threatening. This is frequently seen in phrases such as “Come here!” or “What were you thinking?” Even worse are inexplicable terms such as “because I said so,” or “rules are rules,” which tend to diminish others and make them feel childish.
These may not seem like a big deal, but when spoken in a setting where one person holds a position of power over another, they can come off as commands rather than requests. There’s a time and place to be stern, but this is different from control. Speaking to an employee, spouse, sibling or a friend, remember you can’t control them. You may have seniority or experience in a given area, but that doesn’t justify treating anybody less than.
[Resistance: Defining What Stands In Our Way]
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. When we speak to somebody in such a way that comes off as rude or commanding, we only trigger the opposite effect of what we want.
Humans are born with varying degrees of ego, but when someone abruptly dictates what to do, think, or say without explanation, the common instinct is to push back, to rebel. So what’s the solution? I’m glad you asked, read on.
How to Implement Verbal Judo
To successfully articulate your point or have a potentially difficult conversation, focus on three key things:
Put yourself in their shoes
This is the first and most important step. Before you even consider saying something to the other person, take a moment and consider what may be causing them to behave in this particular way. Are they upset or grumpy because they just got a flat tire? Maybe they didn’t get the job they applied for or found out a loved one has an illness.
Not everyone has a reason to behave the way they do — nor does it mean it’s justified even if they do have something going on — but when you consider where they may be coming from, you exercise empathy and can begin strategizing how best to approach the conversation.
Avoid using shut-downs
This may seem obvious, but it’s something we’ve all done and likely will do again without considering how it affects the other person. Shutdown statements are things like “because I said so” or “end of discussion,” as I mentioned earlier, where you take a heavy hand to the situation and make the other person feel as though they must obey authority without question.
A better way to handle the situation would be to say, “Let’s grab a coffee and discuss things further, I’d like us to come to a mutual understanding.”
Instead of degrading or trying to control the other person, you demonstrate a sense of respect and spare their dignity. How you would feel if somebody provided you no reason or justification for a particular position? You’d likely get pretty upset, as would I.
[The Five Spirits of Japanese Budo]
Understand intent
One of the most difficult yet equally important considerations when speaking to somebody is intent. How you come off or how you say something can change the entire meaning of the actual words you say.
Asking an employee “Are you an idiot?” in a shouting manner after they’ve damaged a company vehicle will invoke fear and potentially a combative altercation. Similarly, asking “Are you an idiot?” in a quiet undertone will likely come off as smug and potentially confuse or even anger the employee again.
A better way to handle the situation would be to approach the employee and say something like, “I’m glad you’re ok, would you mind dropping by later so we can talk about it?”
These statements may take an immense amount of self-control to craft if you’re angry, but at the end of the day, it’s about seeing the bigger picture. Whether you choose to fire that employee or not, you can do it in a cordial manner or have them storm off angry after you’ve finished insulting them. The choice is yours.
We cannot control how others behave or react by what we say to them alone, but we can certainly have a positive or negative influence on it.
The art of communication, or “verbal judo,” is frequently overlooked and highly underrated in terms of its importance. If we can manage to treat others with dignity and respect in all situations, de-escalate whenever possible, and exercise empathy, then we’re likely to find far more success in every interaction we have.
If you’re interested in further enhancing your knowledge on this topic, check out Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion. Take care and remember that you’re only as good as you treat others.
‘The Four Agreements’ Transforming How We Think, Speak and Act
